Weekend Update

Welcome - it's time for Weekend Update and your not-so-fake news with the Bigun.

Our top story for today, in a gruesome fiery crash Iron Benny crossed into the Publix parking lot on his roof for the win in the little known yet highly competitive Ogden 14. Benny is OK, physically at least, and after the race was quoted as saying, "ya know, I may not be the fastest Ironman out there, I got just 2 words for you - Shake and Bake!"

In a related story, Nytro is still a women, and we may have an eye witness that allegedly claims to perhaps have seen Nytro shed a tear - just one mind you - when Benny was given a clean bill of health. If she asks, I'll deny ever saying it, however. I think that the witness has...yes, the witness is officially missing...

Iron Pol is turning a nice shade of blue-green due to the onset of chlorine-induced skin coloration. Waterworld has become his favorite movie - and he swears that Kevin Kosner really does have gills - and Pol wants some.

I have, on the phone, a special guest today...Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Iron Wil...Wil?
Wil: yes, Bigun - thank you for extending an invitation extrapolating and the juxtaposition of my pontification while the stars align and my feelings for all to see and hear.

Bigun: Wil, I have no idea what you just said...

Wil: let me explain, you see, aiding my rebirth into the exasperation that has become my life in the second coming of what has been widely known to be the sport of triathlon that I can't really explain or talk about now, alluding to the inner qualities of peace, love and understanding...

Bigun: Nope, you still lost me - but you've really been rocking lately, working hard and getting ready for a big season...what's that, Wil, I'm driving through a tunnel, I'm losing you...

That's right folks, the Bigun's a neanderthal - and in related news, I just ordered Bolder's book of choice, the Paleo Diet for Athletes. Speaking of Bolder, from the center of the country we have a tragic story of a man gone bad - kids, this is what happens when you combine foreigners with illegal performance-enhancing drugs. Bolder, a skinny, well-honed Ironman machine wanted more and wanted it fast. Now look at this exclusive "after" picture of Bold, post-juice:

What do you know, we have Boulder on the line! The P-Dawg Leader, Bold, thanks for calling in today.

Bolder: I am going to fly to Florida, ehh, and mess you up, Bigun!

Bigun: whoa, calm down big guy - that's just the 'roids talking - a 'roid rage! From this un-re-touched picture of you, it seems that you've been doing a bit more than just the Paleo diet (nice speedo, btw...)

Bolder: You've got no proof, this is all lies and fabrications!

Bigun: Oh really? We have now, on conference call, Dr. Shivago, USAT's official urinalysis and drug testing monitor - Doctor, tell us what you've discovered.

Dr. Shivago: ferst of all, leet me just say dis - I luf Canada and all Canadians and somedaaa vee vill velkom dem all to the Master...

Bigun: woah, woah, I warned you about that - just tell us about Bolder, please!

Dr. Shivago: ehem - ve found a large collectchion of illeeeegle perrrfformance-enhacing drugs in his system, incluuding but not leemited to; human growth hormone..

Studio Audience: 'gasp'

Shivago: Andrrrro and DHA with a testosterone patch derrrivitive...

Crowd: 'no...'

Dr. Shivago: and surprisingly, an elevated level of EPO with a estrogen chaser, vich ve at the laaab all had a rrrealy good laughhhh about...

Boulder: ahh, let me explain, really, the samples must have been switched - WHERE's MY "B" SAMPLE - DR SHIVAGO, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!!!

Finally folks, disappointing news out of the Saris Group, specifically Cycle Ops, where apparently their shipping center has burned to the ground. That's right, everyone, the Cycle Ops shipping center blew to bits last week in a horrific chemical fire. It must have...since I placed my order for my highly sought after raceAthlete jersey on the 26th of Feb and it has yet to ship. I sure hope everyone there is ok, my thoughts and prayers are with them as they deal with these tragic events.

And that's the fake news, train hard everyone!

Edit: turns out I did receive my rA shirt and nicely matching Cycle Ops '05 bibs in Saturday's mail - it was in the mail box today, we just didn't check - still says, "not shipped" at Cycle Ops site, however...Love the shirt, it's truly AWESOME!