Weekend Update

One Adam 12, One Adam 12, see the man...that's right, folks, we have a new MAN. Don't hate the man. You know you wanna be the MAN. Our ever-racing Clydesdale stud Sweet Baboo has his striped shirt on and rule book in hand, heading to a USAT-sanctioned triathlon near you as an official USAT...Official! What I don't get is the whole male-on-male motorcycle riding thing. I mean, spending a morning with your best bud on the back of his bike just screams GAY! Maybe it's just me. (and no, that's not Roman on the back of that bike, either..but it kinda looks like him...hmmm)

Ironman Wisconsin has come and gone, with no lack of race reportage and plenty of photo documentation of the event. Awesome job everyone. Some things are now more clear than they were before the race.

Greyhound's wife loves his ass.

Texafornia looks a whole lot like Steve Buscemi. Old Crazy Eyes! Oh, we here at Bigun Studios could have went another way...like using the pics of Jetpack and Tex frolicking on the ground on top of each other...but kids watch this show....

Ironman Official are on the lookout for whomever casued the deflation of a very valuable piece of merchandizing. In this photo obtained by Weekend Update, we think it was IronWil's freshly manicured Guido-like nails that did the trick. Or not.

As hard as Roman tries, he's just not going to fly

- he forgot his cape.

And speaking of capes, we have the venerable caped crusader Taconite Boy in the studio with us today. Welcome Taconite Boy to Weekend Update!

TB: It's Taconite Man.

Bigun: Excuse me?

TM: It's Taconite Man. I finished IMMOO, I saved the whole town of Madison from impending doom and almost certain certain power outage - now I'm Taconite Man.

Bigun: Sorry, it says here on the card Taconite Boy, I didn't mean anything by it.

TM: Good, 'cause if Trimama hears...

Trimama: What did he call you? That son-of-a-bitch Bigun - can't you get anything right?

Bigun: Really, I'm sorry - hey, tell us about those capes - you did a great job with those!

Trimama: Dont' be changing the subject with me, ya Ape. This man went 140.6 miles - no "boy's" gonna do that - it's "Man" for now on, you got it, or do I have to come over there?

TM: Thanks, dearest...I think he's got it..

Trimama: Don't "dearest" me, we still got to pay for all those cow print M-dot shirts you bought!

TM: Sorry.

Bigun: Ok, Taconite Man - great job. Trimama - please don't hurt me! Lets have a round of applause for the Superhero Iron-family...two Ironman, one pair of Iron Pants. Ehem...

In a related story, TriDummy raced across the IM finish line to be nary heard from again for weeks on end. He finally surfaced after a drunken, 10-state hell ride to be completely covered in fresh tattoos and hair. We now know that Tri-Dummy is Greek. Or he at least likes Greeks. Which explains a LOT. Check out this un-retouched IM tattoo - this is a Weekend Update scoop, folks, you'll see it first here! What is that? What? Copyright laws?!?! You guys get me a clear photo of that tattoo ASAP...uh, sorry folks, we seem to be having technical difficulties.

And in a final, heartwarming story, Blink, the Blinkster, Mr. Blink or Papa Blink, as his kids, the Blinkettes call him, finished his 52-mile ultra distance run last week in...well...it was uber-fast (almost let a fact slip in there). On the advise of the Bigun, Blink set out his journey with a pre-race banquet of donuts, kit-cats and a Coke (standard Clydesdale pre-race nutrition). His one-day Clydesdale card was in jeopardy of being revoked, however, his 170lb manliness bellied up to the table and did what was necessary to take the Clydesdale win and forever hold the Clydesdale world record at the Bohemian Alps Run. I'm so proud.

Weekend Update

Time for another addition of WEEKEND UPDATE, with your host, The BIGUN, giving you all the fake news that worth knowing about.

Thanks and welcome to another edition of Weekend Update - lets get right into it - we have alarming news out of Texas - it seems the FBI is on the lookout for a 20-something hawtie that's been robbing banks all over the country. She's known as the Ponytail Bandit - banks in Texas, California and Washington have fallen victim to this scheming blonde, and the FBI seems baffled. Well, FBI, look no further because I've found your bank robber.

Wait for it. Your not going to believe it. Your bank robber is none other than little miss innocent Curly Sue.

That's right, folks, Curly Sue is terrorizing the nation robbing banks by the clever use of disguise and poor posture. How could this be, Bigun? I'll tell you - First, she's "off" for the summer. She's got the time. She's already alluded to her wanting to be rich and famous, and she's shown that her lawlessness knows no bounds, posting unpurchased race photographs on her blog, violating copyrights and committing felony's left and right.

Let me ask you this...who was unsupervised in TEXAS "house-sitting" for a span of 20 hrs?

Who took a trip out west and stayed in the "HBAC Medal Room" (yea, right, those Canadians will cover for anyone...)?

None other than Curly Sue. We've got photographic proof - look at this unretouched photo:

Notice the hat?

Notice the smile?

That's the spiting image! I hope there is a reward....

Weekend Update

Welcome back for another bit of fake news, with your host, Bigun. Today we have the honor and privilege of having a lovely co-host on the show, please give a warm, Big-Bike welcome for Trimama!

Trimama - Thanks Bigun, it's great to be on the show.

Bigun - Nice to have you here, Trimama, and congratulations on your new Tri-workout program, I hear it was just published this week.

Trimama - That's right, we expect it to hit the infomercials within the month.

Bigun - Good thing I've got Tevo - on the phone today we have Mister Marine himself, none other than Gunny Highway who's called in from Camp Lejeune to comment on some recent developments - Gunny are you there?

Highway - If I were half as ugly as you, Bigun, I'd be a poster boy for a prophylactic!

Bigun - and a hardy welcome to the show to you too, Highway - how does it feel to have a tri-bike named in your honor?

Highway - What choice did people have? Cervesa O'Toole just doesn't make sence - and just because Tri-Dummy's named his bike after me doesn't mean we're going to be taking warm showers together until wee hours of the morning...

Bigun - aaa, thanks Gunny...Trimama, tell us about your new workout program!

Trimama - Sure thing, Bigun - it's called "3 Weeks to Ironman". You know how everyone wants instant gratification these days...

Bigun - Sure do...

Trimama - well, my tried and tested program can get your average couch potato from the Playstation to the Ironman finish line in just 3 Weeks. Following my 30-minutes a day workout plan, we'll burn the calories and build the fitness necessary to have any one of you hear those most hallowed words, "you are an Ironman".

Bigun - Trimama you ignorant slut! There's absolutely no way your program's going to work! I haven't heard something that ridiculous since I heard someone was going to publish a book about thier blogs! Like anyone would pay good money for a book like that...Lets move on and report on a troubling story brewing amongst the raceAthlete team members.

Trimama - It seems we have a group smackdown - a circle smack, as it were, amongst most of the members of Team raceAthlete. It started rather innocently as a friendly wager between Bolder and Stu and has grown out of control. Roman has laid down the gauntlet and claims he will squash our fair country maiden, Rural Girl. Poor Rural Girl. Those Po-locks must raise kids differently over there - here in America we don't pick on poor, helpless little country girls. As these things usually do, the Circle-Smack is already escalating - not only does the winner of the Bold-Stu Smack-Down have to wash the other's bike, he must also post pictures of said washing...recently the ante was raised even further - the loser has to break out the sheers and "de-pant" the winner..."de-pant"? Did I read that right?

Bigun - De-pant, un-pant, amongst these sick-o's, it's all the same, Trimama, it's all the same.

And that's all the fake news for today, but tune in next time for the continuing saga of the raceAthlete Circle-Smack! This is Bigun and Trimama - thanks and train hard everyone.

Weekend Update

Welcome - it's time for Weekend Update and your not-so-fake news with the Bigun.

Our top story for today, in a gruesome fiery crash Iron Benny crossed into the Publix parking lot on his roof for the win in the little known yet highly competitive Ogden 14. Benny is OK, physically at least, and after the race was quoted as saying, "ya know, I may not be the fastest Ironman out there, I got just 2 words for you - Shake and Bake!"

In a related story, Nytro is still a women, and we may have an eye witness that allegedly claims to perhaps have seen Nytro shed a tear - just one mind you - when Benny was given a clean bill of health. If she asks, I'll deny ever saying it, however. I think that the witness has...yes, the witness is officially missing...

Iron Pol is turning a nice shade of blue-green due to the onset of chlorine-induced skin coloration. Waterworld has become his favorite movie - and he swears that Kevin Kosner really does have gills - and Pol wants some.

I have, on the phone, a special guest today...Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Iron Wil...Wil?
Wil: yes, Bigun - thank you for extending an invitation extrapolating and the juxtaposition of my pontification while the stars align and my feelings for all to see and hear.

Bigun: Wil, I have no idea what you just said...

Wil: let me explain, you see, aiding my rebirth into the exasperation that has become my life in the second coming of what has been widely known to be the sport of triathlon that I can't really explain or talk about now, alluding to the inner qualities of peace, love and understanding...

Bigun: Nope, you still lost me - but you've really been rocking lately, working hard and getting ready for a big season...what's that, Wil, I'm driving through a tunnel, I'm losing you...

That's right folks, the Bigun's a neanderthal - and in related news, I just ordered Bolder's book of choice, the Paleo Diet for Athletes. Speaking of Bolder, from the center of the country we have a tragic story of a man gone bad - kids, this is what happens when you combine foreigners with illegal performance-enhancing drugs. Bolder, a skinny, well-honed Ironman machine wanted more and wanted it fast. Now look at this exclusive "after" picture of Bold, post-juice:

What do you know, we have Boulder on the line! The P-Dawg Leader, Bold, thanks for calling in today.

Bolder: I am going to fly to Florida, ehh, and mess you up, Bigun!

Bigun: whoa, calm down big guy - that's just the 'roids talking - a 'roid rage! From this un-re-touched picture of you, it seems that you've been doing a bit more than just the Paleo diet (nice speedo, btw...)

Bolder: You've got no proof, this is all lies and fabrications!

Bigun: Oh really? We have now, on conference call, Dr. Shivago, USAT's official urinalysis and drug testing monitor - Doctor, tell us what you've discovered.

Dr. Shivago: ferst of all, leet me just say dis - I luf Canada and all Canadians and somedaaa vee vill velkom dem all to the Master...

Bigun: woah, woah, I warned you about that - just tell us about Bolder, please!

Dr. Shivago: ehem - ve found a large collectchion of illeeeegle perrrfformance-enhacing drugs in his system, incluuding but not leemited to; human growth hormone..

Studio Audience: 'gasp'

Shivago: Andrrrro and DHA with a testosterone patch derrrivitive...

Crowd: 'no...'

Dr. Shivago: and surprisingly, an elevated level of EPO with a estrogen chaser, vich ve at the laaab all had a rrrealy good laughhhh about...

Boulder: ahh, let me explain, really, the samples must have been switched - WHERE's MY "B" SAMPLE - DR SHIVAGO, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!!!

Finally folks, disappointing news out of the Saris Group, specifically Cycle Ops, where apparently their shipping center has burned to the ground. That's right, everyone, the Cycle Ops shipping center blew to bits last week in a horrific chemical fire. It must have...since I placed my order for my highly sought after raceAthlete jersey on the 26th of Feb and it has yet to ship. I sure hope everyone there is ok, my thoughts and prayers are with them as they deal with these tragic events.

And that's the fake news, train hard everyone!

Edit: turns out I did receive my rA shirt and nicely matching Cycle Ops '05 bibs in Saturday's mail - it was in the mail box today, we just didn't check - still says, "not shipped" at Cycle Ops site, however...Love the shirt, it's truly AWESOME!